give all, or give up.

"...the bliss between giving my all and giving up." -Grits, Ooh Ahh

Grits as in the Christian rap group, not the breakfast food. Yes, I just quoted them. Why?

I feel that bliss.

There comes a point when there is no time for grey areas. You are either in or out. There's no giving a little here, giving a little there...it is all or nothing.

It's the feeling you get when you're running, and the only way to ease the pain in your legs is to run faster. Your claves are burning, and you want nothing more than to stop and take a breather. But you don't, because that would ruin the high.

It's the rush you get when you're giving blood. It's the most uncomfortable experience you can fathom at the time, and all you can think of is getting that needle out of your arm and downing that sugar-filled soda. If you're weak like me, you know the blackout is coming. Yet it's like a drug. You feel so refreshed when you're done that you don't even care how ugly the free shirt is. You're on top of the world.

It's that feeling of completion and satisfaction on the last day of a camp session half-way through the summer. You are so physically and emotionally drained--and yet, you've done it. You've changed lives. And you know that in less than two days, you will have to start all over again with a new group of kids. The only difference is that you will have less energy next week than you did the week before; it will take more, and you will have to give more. And when you stand behind the same chair at the end of the following week, you'll feel even more escalated.

It's the knowledge of the semester you face, knowing for a fact that you're taking on more than you can handle. The knowledge that it is not humanly possible for you and your 14 classmates to come out of Block II alive. And as much as you hate that these classes require all of you, you thrive at the challenge. You haven't had decent amounts of sleep in days. You're running only by the filling of coffee, encouragement, and the Holy Spirit. Feeling oddly at peace when you should be stressed is an addicting. Even if you have no idea how you did on that test you studied all day for, simply knowing that you tried is enough. It's enough to make you feel good.

It's the struggle of continuously working with Age to Age kids, year after year. In the midst of the choas and disrespect they throw at you, and in between those days you want to quit on the spot, you are blessed with a good day. You see the fruit. You see the budding of the seeds you've been sowing for three years, and you know it's all worth it. And you go back to the overwhemling amounts of time it extracts from your busy day, and the effort you spend on programs those kids didn't even appreciate...yet all the while you know that if 4 precious hours each Monday + 3 sacrificial hours of planning each Sunday is what it takes to be the determining factor of the course of their lives, it's worth neglecting your homework, naps, and hangout time. And while those kids yell at you and punch each other and refuse to wash dishes, you think, "This is what I live for."

There is no middle ground.
You either give up,
or give all.