For the moments I feel faint

As a female, and an emotional one, I used to cry quite often.
But I've noticed that as the years go by, I cry less and less.
I haven't bawled since about April.
I cried a little bit the night I graduated....before, during, and after the ceremony.
I teared up during Camp 8...believe it or not, during graduation, during the video, and at closing ceremony.
But since then, not one tear has been shed.

However, tonight has come close.

Hearing about the UCA shootings...35 minutes from my own campus.
Talking to close friends who attend UCA.
Shaking at the thought of knowing that they could have been killed...

Writing my friend who is spending her year in Africa.
Thinking about how God is using her each day in Africa.
Telling her about how God is using me each day in Russellville.
Talking about memories.
Writing scriptures meant to encourage her, but end up encouraging me just as well.
Knowing that she's there, and I'm here, and God is everywhere.

Writing this post.
I am overwhelmed.

It's a Love Story, baby just say yes

College is kind of like Valentine's Day, only all year long.
They should just call it Singles Awareness Years.
Everyone's getting engaged left and right, and my friends who aren't already in relationships are finding flings among eachother. Pressure is put on to find "the one," because the way most people view it, if you don't find your mate in college, you're pretty much going to be single for the rest of your life.

Lately, as I've sat by and watched friends flirt and listened to proposal stories and hear my friends talk about how they wish they had boyfriends and girlfriends, I've surprisingly found an increasing contentment of my single state. The more I continue to be a mere spectator in the world of romance, the more thankful I am to do so.

I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a relationship unless it has great potential to lead to marriage, and right now, I haven't even met a guy here that I can call a good friend. And I'm ok with that. My ideal ways of dating and courtship are pretty weird compared to most people's, but I'm going to stick to them, because I believe they can exist.

I'm not held down by the oppression of this society's view of romance. Because I've tried to use it to fill voids in my life, and through failure I found that nothing can satisfy but God alone. No perfect man exisits...but I have found the only true Knight in Shining Armor. My soul hungers and aches for love, and it is filled by the love that I experiene with Jesus Christ. The more I desire love, the more I am filled with it. The more long to be persued, the more I find a mutual romance with Him. And the more love I am shown, the more I want to show it to others.

Do I want to be married some day? Definitely.
Will I be? Who knows.
There may or may not be a guy out there for me.
I may or may not meet him during my college years.
I may or may not already know him.
He may or may not exist.
If he does, he'll come into play when we're both ready.
Until then, I'll continue to pursue my first and only love...

We were created to love.
We were created to live.
We were created to live love.

Seriously?

Dear God,
Please stop making certain people so amazing
unless you intend for me to marry them.

Thanks.

Mmhmm...

Campus is gorgeous with the fall colors.

I have an interview for Camp War Eagle tomorrow.

Age to Age kids are tougher to break through than even the toughest Brookhill kids.
But making a fool of myself at the Lock & Dam park with a 12 year old is so much fun.

My three Henderson friends from home are coming up for the game on Saturday. :)

Next Thursday I will be seeing David Crowder in Little Rock. :):)

Next Friday I will be traveling to Fayeteville. :):):)

World Civ Midterm on Thursday, Algebra and Film tests next week, Map quizzes, research papers, rough drafts, group projects...

Campus is gorgeous with the falls colors.
Swell.

Put away my flesh and bone

I feel like everything has been out of order this week.
I'm slacking.
I'm turning to others when I should be turning to You.
I'm allowing what were once close friendships to crumble, and I don't feel bad about it.
I feel bad about the fact that I don't feel bad about letting what were once close friendships crumble.
I'm allowing insecurities to affect me.

I'm living for myself.

And I hate it.

On the outside, I'm consistent in You.
On the inside, I'm consistent in You.
But on that subconcious second plane of the inside, I'm putting You off.
And it's throwing my whole world out of whack.

Here we go again.

Lord, undo me.

Naked Disappointment

Today I found out that I made an 86% on my last College Algebra test, giving me an 84 B in the class! (This is quite the accomplishment from my recent failure of College Algebra last semester.)

In celebration of my jubilation, I decided that my success had earned me a bottle of Naked Juice. It was the only thing that motivated me while sitting through yet another hour and and 20 minutes of math. Finally, I walked all the way across campus to the convience store only to find that they had closed early today. In the words of the little old lady who works there, "I'm sorry, darlin', the little girl who relieves me is nowhere to be found, and I have to pick up my grandkids from school."

Poo. No biggie. I'll just walk over to the bookstore and buy some there.
Except the bookstore is currently out of Naked Juice.

Now bummed about my Naked absense, I checked my mailbox to find a letter from little Erick, the African kid I sponser.
His drawings are getting really elaborate these days, and he's learning to color in the lines.
That's when I realized that the price I would have paid for one bottle of Naked Juice is the same amount that Erick's family makes in a day's income.
And yet, Erick is still one of the happiest kids I know.

"Erick and his family members love you so much are they always pray for you. Erick will soon be going back to school for his third term, and he is so excited to go back!"

His family of six is struggling to make ends meet in the core of the Food Crisis, and yet they are praying for me.
I am paying for Erick's education, and he is grateful.
The government is paying for mine, and I complain about my upcoming papers and exams.
School, like Naked Juice, is a privlige, and I should not take it for granted.

I am blessed.

Dear Georgia,

It is not up to you.
It is not up to them.
It is up to Me.
If I want you there, I will make a way.
If I do not, then I have something better in mind.
Don't think too highly of yourself, but do not underestimate yourself, either.
Most importantly, do not underestimate the power of the God of the Universe, the Great I Am, the Lion of Judah, Yaweh, Jahovah Jireh.

Lean not on your own understanding, because your flesh is not a very good crutch.
Instead, trust in Me with all your heart.
Look to Me in all you do, and I promise that I will place you where I want you.

Don't worry. Just keep praying.

I love you, I hear you, and I want want what is best for you.
Just trust me.

Yours for enternity,
God

Lessons from Alanis

Why is my "blog" so ridiculously named?
I'll tell you.

If you have never listened to the classic tunes of Alanis Morrisette, you have missed out on a lot in life. That woman has gotten me through tough times. Omitting certain words and phrases, there are many lessons to be learned from Alanis's songs. Let's start with my personal favorite, "Thank You." My favorite bit of the lyrics says,

"How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots?"

Of course, the reference of dangling carrots refers to the literal carrots dangled above the horses back in the day. Many people use this phrase in a negative way; something dangled in front of you only to be taken away. A tease; a false hope; in the words of Emily Dickinson, a thing with feathers. However, I like to take a different perspective.

Why were the carrots were dangled in front of horses? To motivate them to keep walking, of course. What tired horse wants to haul a wagon three times his weight with no reward? The carrot gives him hope; a reason to keep going.

1 Corinthians 4:16-18
That is why we never give up. Though are bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed each day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long, yet they produce for us great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on the things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Sometimes, I just want to give up. I have learned that college can be completely overwhelming, and sometimes I just want to quit. However, I'm learning to trust that if God's plan for me really includes teaching, then I'll have to pass college algebra. If I have to pass college algebra in order to teach, God will help me do it. It may not be easy, and I may have to take it three times, but the transparent dangling carrots of awkward, beautiful middle school faces keep me trying. When entire weekends are consumed by Midterms and papers, I will fix my gaze on my goal. Though I am sleep deprieved and stressed, I do not allow it to consume me. Instead, I run will my head held high, eyes fixed enthusiastically on the carrots in front of me.

Philippians 3:14
I keep pressing on to reach the end of the race and recieve the heavenly prize through which God, through Jesus Christ, is calling us.

Tune in next time for "Hand In My Pocket" and "You Learn." :)

Psalm 63 and other 1 a.m. thoughts

O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
My whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in your sanctuary
and gazed upon your power and glory.
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands in prayer to you.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
I will praise you with songs of joy!
I lie awake thinking of you through the night.
Because you are my helper,
I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
your strong right hand holds me securely.

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Lord, you are more precious than silver
Lord, you are more costly than gold
Lord, you are more beautiful than diamonds
and nothing I desire compares to you

Georgia's version:
Lord, you are more important than my selfishness
Lord, you are more worthwhile than guys
Lord, you are more reliable than my plans
so why should I desire anything but you?

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I want to know you better than I do;
relieve me from myself,
bring me into you.
I want to know you better than I do;
oh, relieve me, lead me, bring me into you.
-Jennifer Knapp

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I will run, I will run...all my days are yours.
I will run, because you are all I am living for.

My life is a love song to you.
-Jason Morant

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Love so amazing,
so divine,
demands my soul,
my life,
my all.

-Ga