beyond me

Sometimes, I can understand how a person might not believe in God. Because when you really take it all in, the love story of Christ seems far too beautiful to be true.

We don't expect such beauty to exist. We don't think that happy endings are possible. We don't think that supernatural is logical. We don't expect for Hope to be so attainable.

I'm so glad He has proved us wrong.
-------------------------------------

God is real. And He loves you with a love so beautiful, so real, so raw, so constant, so unconditional, so envious that it's beyond our comprehension, and beyond our definitions and expectations of love. He is jealous for you! Jealous of the things you love, the things you desire...because He wants that attention.

The story of Christ sounds so much like a fairytale. An awesome, legit, action-packed, adventurous, romantic fairytale...you know, the good kind that makes the girls swoon and the boys crave victory. I've heard the "Christmas story" and the "Easter Story" so much that at first glance, it doesn't seem so mystical. But how could it not be? I mean, a freaking virgin got pregnant with the child of an omnipotent being...not logical. Said child lived a sinless life. Again, not normal. Performed miracles. Was murdered. Rose from the dead. WHOA. Talk about freaky slash INCREDIBLE.

So why would such a logical, analytical person like myself believe such a tale? Not because I was raised to believe so--I've set out to see if my parents' "religion" was real or not. Not because it seems like the right thing to do--do you think I liked being labelled as the Good Girl all throughout high school? I believe it because every time I doubt it, He proves me wrong. I believe it because of all the things I've tried to satisfy myself with, He's the only one that is yet to fail me. I believe it because it comes naturally. I believe it because He's won my heart, He makes me laugh, and gives me strength when I'm weak. I believe it because He gives me a hope that's real, and joy that is, once again, unexplainable. I believe it because from what I've experienced, life without Him is stressful, dull, and nausiating.

I believe it because love so amazing, so divine, conquers all logic. Don't be afraid of talking to God. Don't avoid "a relationship" with your creator because the phrase is so overused that it sounds uncool. It's not phony. It's exactly what you're looking for. And you know that. Just let love in.

3.4375

So my GPA is the lowest it's even been in my life. But the scholarship is still there. Which pretty much means everything. I can still go to school. I still have money. I can breathe.

I don't know how I got a B in Astronomy. Seriously, adding up my tests scores....it's just illogical. Let's just say, thank God He still works miracles!

To my own satisfaction, my Christmas break has not been dull and worthless thus far. I've had a few relaxing days, and they were nice. I've also spent time with friends, had mother/daughter bonding over Jason's Deli and Sandra Bullock, gone hiking, babysat my precious 2 and 4-year-old cousins, and helped my parents host Family Christmas. I've also bought and attempted to use some exercise tools, attended small-town Baptist Church holiday festivities, and read 3/4 of Twilight (I'm deciding if I should finish it or not. Honestly, I don't think it's worth my time). I'm currently backing up some of my music to cds (a long and vigorous process), will later exchange gifts with my high school BFFs, and will be traveling to Kansas City on Thursday. That's productive in my book.

I also, like most typical Americans, have enjoyed the past month's worth of cheesy Christmas radio. In fact, I broke out my iPod's Christmas playlist about a week before Thanksgiving. A few of it's contents are as follows:

Christmas/Sarajevo 12/24--Trans-Siberian Orchestra (duh)

I Celebrate the Day--Relient K (plus all the other songs on both RK Christmas albums)

Feliz Navidad--Jose Feliciano (Is that is real last name? Kind of funny.)

Believe--Josh Groban (If things don't work out with JTT, I'm going to marry Josh Groban, and he will sing Christmas songs to be all year long.)

White Christmas--The Drifters (My favorite Christmas song EVER. But only this version.)

Merry Christmas (Happy Holidays)--NSYNC (again, duh.)

Calling Dr. Jones--Aqua (Why, you may ask? My favorite movie of all time is Disney's 1997 I'll Be Home For Christmas. Jessica Biel sings this song while driving from Cali to NY. Tom Jones's What's New Pussycat is on there, too...which by the way is possibly one of the creepiest songs ever.)

The Winter Song--Eisley (Because they are awesome.)

O Come O Come Emmanuel--Bethany Dillon (Favorite Christmas hymn sung by favorite singer=win.)

...and about 35 more.

It's beginning to look (and sound) a lot like Christmas. :)

To all the males who will ever get even somewhat romantically involved with me:
I am sorry, and good luck.

Honestly sincerely,
"a pretty impossible lady to be with"

i love finals, yes i do

I would be able to handle finals if I didn't have a major headache all day on Dead Day.
Roommate blaring rock music isn't' exactly soothing, either.
Ouch ouch ouch.
I am also lacking in the motivation department.

Oh well. At least I've already completed 2 of my 5 finals. So I'll stop complaining and tough it out. Woman-up, Georgia.

Finals? Psh, please. I can so do this.

I need wisdom like I need air.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, because it marks the beginning of the Christmas season. My break seemed to fly by, but it was good to see my two best friends from home, sleep in a full-sized bed, eat lots of good food with my family, and hit the road to Hot Springs. Each year during the weekend after Thanksgiving, Brookhill has it's famous "Turkey Day Retreat." It was awesome, of course, and it felt good to be home and to catch up on the lives of some amazing high schoolers, as well as my summer co-workers.

But now, Thanksgiving break is over....

• Finish reading In Cold Blood
• Read Astronomy CH 19-20
• Mastering Astronomy assignment
• Educational Media essay and final--due Thursday!
• Math study guide
• Study for Government test
• English paper
• Astronomy sunset and shadows labs
• Pretty self up for Wesley banquet
• Sleep
  

Where to begin??

Did I ever mention that I have a twin sister?

.replentish.

Bethany Dillon has been one of my favorite artists since I was first introduced to her at the age of 14 (she, at the time, was only 15.) Because we're so close in age, I've always been able to relate to the lyrics of her songs. I've found this to be especially true for her latest album, "Stop & Listen." It's ridiculous how much this cd has blessed me in the past few weeks. Many of the songs on the album talk about busyness, an issue that, as a college student, I definitely struggle with.

"Stop and Listen"
I wake up, start the rush and pour some coffee
Things to do pile up oh so quickly
Too many days I feel like I run on empty
Does anyone else out there feel like me?
But I’d be a fool to forfeit
The chance to take a moment
For You to rise like the dawn
Over my cold, tired heart
What I thought I had lost
Finds me when I stop and listen
It’s the same slowing down lesson we all learn
But I don’t pay much attention 'til I crash and burn
So all together
Let’s stop and sit at His feet
My sisters and brothers
He will rise like the dawn
over my cold, tired
What I thought I had lost
finds me when I stop and listen.

This semester, I have had to significantly give up things and simply say no, which is very hard for me to do. Yet, it seems that the more thing I give up, the busier I am. Lately I've felt that commitments to schoolwork, ministries, and relationships seem to suck me dry. And I'm not even a "real adult" yet! In a few years, I will (hopefully) have to balance a very time-consuming career and a family on top of all the above listed things. Tonght I bought a devotional book called "Devotions for Women on the Go." Go ahead, laugh. Because I even grimace at the name of it*. The book is not "quick" grab-n-go readings, but slightly more in-depth studies for 'the 21st Century Woman.'* Even though this book is probably designed for ladies 30+, I am excited. And again, I am starting to feel old.


I was flipping through my bible the other day, and I ran across a passage with the words "Replentish" written out to the side (notes from a staff meeting at camp this past summer):

Before daybreak the next morning, Jesus got up and went out to an isolated place to pray. Later Simon and the others went out to find him. When they found him, they said, 'Everyone is looking for you.' But Jesus replied, 'We must go on to the other towns as well, and I will preach to them, too. That is why I came.' So he traveled throughout the region of Galilee, preaching in the synagouges and casting out demons. Luke 4:35-39

Even Jesus had to take time to replentish. Rejuvinate. Refuel. Refresh. We are not Energizer bunnies. We can't just keep going and going without time spent resting and recharning through the Word of God. So take a breather. Slow down and talk to God. Stop and listen.*


*I have a hesitation for 'cheesy Christian products' that I often refer to as 'Toliet devotionals'. You know, those awful tiny devotional books with nature scenes and cursive script on the cover that people keep on top of their toilets, right next to the Guideposts. That sounds awful, I know. But seriously, yuck.

*Also known as the tired woman who tries to please everyone and feels like a failure when she can't. For a more in-depth opinion on this woman who strives to live up to Proverbs 31, read Captivating.

*This post was too long. If you read the whole thing, I am very impressed.

<

Then he said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it."
Luke 9:23-24

I've felt really down lately. A combination of many little things has all accumulated to one big ball of Bummed Out. A few nights ago I was even considering transferring to another school, because I just didn't feel happy here anymore. That's when it hit me, and I felt like a selfish idiot. The reason I've felt so "unhappy" is because I been so selfish. I haven't been a servant to anyone. I haven't been showing love. I've been so concerned with school and my own well-being that I haven't even put into consideration the lives of others.

Satan knows exactly how to keep me from taking up my cross daily. He tells me lies. That I'm lonely, that I have to be perfect, that I'm always right and other are the ones to blame. That I'm doing fine on my own.

How often I forget that I've already been set free from all that. How often I forget, I'm Yours.

"In fact, Satan, here's to you: a toast with my fist, and then with my shoe! You'll regret the day that you ever messed with me, with my brothers and sisters, because we're an army you see!"

Consume me, God.
I must become less. Way less.

Dear God,

Please help me pass the Mathematics section of the Praxis tomorrow. Because I find basic math and no calculators really really intimidating.

Indy Rock

I spent most of last week at the National Middle School Association conference in Indianapolis, Indiana. At first I was a little worried that I would feel out of place, not knowing any of the other four girls(who are all 2 years older than I am) very well, and not becoming a teacher anytime in the near future. I was proved wrong; I had a blast! I enjoyed getting to know such great girls, as well as learning information and gaining free materials for my future classroom. I'm pretty sure I laughed more and I laughed harder than I have all semester! Teachers (and future teachers) are probably the most ridiculous, hilarious, crazy, and fun people ever (I witnessed this scariness growing up, seeing as my Mom is an Educator. It was nice to be reminded of it). In other words, my future career is going to rock. :)

Colt's Stadium!

My very own street!

Our group outside the Capitol


Downtown Indianapolis

The trip was well worth it, but I now have so much to catch up on. I've realized that there is only two weekends left until Thanksgiving Break. This is both exciting and scary. I have oh so much to do. I best get on that.

Tubthumping

Halloween. Some people may call it the Devil's holiday, and others may think it's only for children; however, if it gives me the excuse to dress in a fun costume, eat candy, scare myself, and enjoy the beauty of an autumn night, it don't see what's not to love!

This year, I dressed as the year 1998, complete with gaudy black heeled shoes, a packpack purse, butterfly clips, a scrunchie, and of course, my Sabrina the Teenage Witch dress:

I have a not-so-guilty pleasure for everything about the (espcially late) '90s. If a song came out in the '90s, you can pretty much bet that I love it. It's hard to beat some Third Eye Blind, Semisonic, Alanis Morrissette, Eve 6, Chumbawamba, Goo Goo Dolls...or of course, Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls. Giga-pets, POGS, and Goosebumps rock my world. And along the lines of television, Boy Meets World (and anything played on ABC's TGIF) and Home Improvement top them all. I am not ashamed to say that my life plans still include marrying Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Oh yes, my two nights of Halloween were blissful!

On another note, I am traveling to Indianapolis on Tuesday for a National Middle School Association conference. I am very excited, but I can't believe it's here so soon...I am not ready at all! I'm not sure I'm ready for November in general...how is the time escaping?

great pumpkin = love.

Lucy: "I got seven pieces of candy!"
Charlie: "I got a rock."

Words cannot express just how much I love Peanuts.
It probably has something to do with the fact that Charlie Brown is the epitome of the phrase "FML."

infinite

I am a very sentimental person, and in my opinion, each season of the year contains certain songs that should be played, certain places that should be visited, certain feelings that should be felt.
Four years ago, I read a book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. If you have not read it, I very highly recommend it. There is one point in the book where Charlie, the narrator, recounts his adventures of a Friday night after a football game...

“Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called 'Landslide.' When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

Every time I drive through the Bobby Hopper Tunnel on I-540, I picture this scene. I also often like to take notice of the "infinite" moments in my life...those little moments where emotion cannot be described or expressed, only felt and overflowed.

Last night, I was driving back from a ministry team meeting at our team's director's house, which is a few miles outside of the city. My radio had been on some random station, and when I turned my car on, "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac had just begun, as if it were waiting for me. Some may call this a cool coincidence. I like to think it was a little gift from God to me. Driving back through the mountains, viewing the fall colors of the trees, feeling the crisp air from outside my windows, and listening to that beautiful song...I was at peace with the world. It didn't matter that I knew I would be up until 3 am studying for two tests, or that my Education advisor wanted me to plan out in detail my next 5 semesters, or that I had no money and no time, or that I was anxious about certain relationships, or that I was dealing with conflict with a friend. No, all that mattered was that I was loved, and I was me, and yet I was no one...that I was living, and not just alive. All I cared about was driving my little Cavalier, Mary Anne, around every curve of the road, past every beautiful and unfamiliar landmark, through every chill of the wind. And I felt romanced by nature and by God, and I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear I was infinite.

Because I'm worth it.

I just wasn't really feelin' it this morning, so I decided to skip my first class of the semester.
I'm using the extra hour and a half to take a shower, make coffee, and watch Martha Stewart. (I really don't even like Martha...my roommate just left the TV on.)

I feel so refreshed...I think I'll even make my bed today.

MLIA.

It is autumn, but it feels like winter.

This is messing up my romanticising of October.

My Mom, being the Southern Living reading, HGTV watching, flea market running woman she is, found an idea in a magazine involving doors and paper bats. She sent me the magazine page and some cut-outs, and I am proud to say that the entrace to our room now looks like this:

I carved a flippin' sweet ($5) pumpkin three days ago. It's already rotting.

Rain has been without ceasing these days. Unfortunately, I found that my rain boots had holes in them from teaching horseback in them this summer at camp. When I've worn them lately, they've gotten my socks wet, so today I decided to go shopping for new ones. I looked at every shoe store in town, including Wal-Mart, and found that this is the only pair oof size 6 rain boots in Russellville:

Not exactly my style. I decided to do without, until I waded to the library. My feet were so wet and cold that I turned right back around and drove to buy the rock-chick skull-and-crossbone shoes.

So don't mess with my rainboots. They mean business.

Jehovah Jireh

Things I want:
New Relient K cd
New DCB cd
New Bethany Dillon cd
Toms.

Things I need/Will buy anytime soon:
None of the above.

Things robbing my bank account:
NMSA Conference/Indiana Trip
Arkansas Tech University.

I am actually learning to live life as a true "broke college student." Major cut in income coming in from my parents, NO income coming in from myself. Scholarship in jeapordy. I've always been wise with my money, which is probably why I've had so much of it (and I still have enough saved up for a semester's tuition or so), but now, I'm actually having to dicipline myself to say and skip out on stuff. And yet, I'm doing fine, and have nothing to complain about.

Yesterday, the Russellville police pulled me over for the first time ever. Apparently, I was majorly speeding and didn't realize it. I thought for sure he was going to give me a ticket, and all I could think about was how much more money I was going to loose for doing something stupid. I deserved a ticket, but, Praise the Lord, he let me off with a warning.

If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

Government and Football

I feel rather anti-social these days. Studying for classes is eating me alive.
In fact, right now, I should be at a Tech football game. Instead, I am studying for an American Government test. However, I have found a loophole. I am on the 4th floor of my ancient dorm, and have opened one of the huge, ancient windows which faces the football field. I am very pleased, because Autumn is pouring through that window:
-The air is wonderfully crisp and amazing
-I can hear the band and commentator perfectly. (UAM just made another touchdown. Blah.)

Oh, how I love fall!

green grass grows all around

Tonight is officially the first night of my third semester at Arkansas Tech University.
I haven't even been back here a day, and I'm already seeing how different this year is going to be from the previous one.

Yesterday, I came back a day early for an Age to Age ministry team (aka committee) meeting, and I realized just how much I had committed to. For the first time, I really thought about what those kids are dealing with, and what Age to Age does for them. Heck, for the first time, I thought about the kids, and not myself. It's a new perspective, focusing on others: you'd be surprised how much more the world you can see after you've started to deflate your head.

Which brings me to where I am now...seven feet above my dorm floor on a top bunk, above roommate #1, and across from roommate #2. You must understand that this is a sacrifice for me. I am not a fan of near-death experiences everytime I want to relax. But you know what I'm learning? The world isn't about what I'm not a fan of.

Last semester, I basically lived without a roommate, so I basically had an entire room to myself in the nicest suite-styled dorm on campus. This semester, I'm living with two other girls in the oldest dorm on campus. We all have different personality types, music preferences, schedules, and activities. Moving in today was so hard for me. I have way less space this year. In fact, I really don't have any space of my own. But again, I finally just realized that this world isn't about me and my space and my bed and my picture frames. The hours I spent organizing and perfecting what space I've claimed as my own could have been spent meeting the girls on my hall, and building relationships with terrified and/or overly confident freshman. I'm having to re-learn all the rules you learn in preschool...
Be considerate.
Share with others.
The world doesn't revolve around you.

Last year I stuggled with lonliness in a room all by myself.
Is the grass greener on the other side? Yes.
Thank you, God, for giving two amazing roommates, and a bed suspended in the clouds.
Thank for testing me in this area, because I know it is an opportunity to stretch, to grow, and to be humbled.

2,972

2,972. That's the population of my hometown.

I memorized the number when I was in about the 9th grade, because when I said "small town," some people just didn't fully understand. I'm sure I've ranted about my town on here before, but it's time to do it again. I don't hate England. But there comes a point to where a person's "home" is no longer where they feel the most at home. 1

I returned to England, Arkansas last week to find that a large handful of my high school classmates were now happily married to other of my high school classmates. I am not surprised by this, because it happens to everyone, and I knew it was coming soon. What's surprising is that they found love among the 2,972. I'm slightly jealous. 2

I have also realized that England no longer holds anything for me. My parents and grandfather. And Charlotte's Eats and Sweets (which technically isn't even in England)3. That's about it. My friends have all gone on and made new lives just like I have. They have no need to return to England either. I no longer have any close association with anyone at the high school, so there's really no point in returning for football games and graduations.

I'm not trying to evoke blasphamy on my town. It's just that, well, it's no longer my town. I've been here a week, and a week too long. I surely can't wait to return to Russellville on Sunday...it contains a Wal-mart. Oh, and my life.


1 A good sign of this is when you prefer your rock-solid camp mattress to the large bed you've slept in the majority of your life.
2 Nah...
3 Charlotte's Eats and Sweets, God's gift to Arkansas. If you haven't eaten there, please do, and order a Keo Klassic, so that your life will be made complete.

Camper Dream Fulfilled

I guess I'm having withdraws.

Every time I sleep, my subconcious mind assumes that I am surrounded by children.
Example 1: My first night home, I sat up and started teaching an activity in my sleep.
Example 2: At 4:00 this morning, my parents told me to come downstairs because the tornado siren had gone off. In my mind I told "the girls" to start rounding up their things and to follow me downstairs.
Example 3: When I woke up from a long nap this afternoon, my immediate thoughts were, "oh no. They're going to think I got sick, too, and send them back without a senior counselor. I'm not sick! Don't worry, girls, I'll be there soon!" My mom had to convince me that there was in fact no one in the house besides the two of us, and that they had not come to my house to complete a 9th session.

No one else sleeps in the same room as me.
There are not numerous 9-15 year olds around my bedroom. Just me.
Camp is over.

I'm not sad, just surprised. The past 2 months were the longest, hardest, funnest, shortest, and best 9 weeks of my life. I grew and learned so much this summer. At the very beginning of the summer, I struggled with wanting to be at camp. I remember thinking, 'I need my life back.' But, a mere two weeks later, my new motto was, 'This IS my life.'

God did amazing things this summer (despite the craziness of Camp 8--campers and counselors were dropping like flies due to...flu? Plus, it rained literally every day. Longest week of my life.). Hundreds of kids came to know Jesus for the first time, and thousands made the decision to get right with God and start living for him again. Kids loved and looked up to me, and I still find it hard to believe the amount of influence I had over them. Girls told me that I changed their lives. Seriously? God used me to impart wisdom into the lives of hundreds of young people. Whoa. Camper dream fulfilled.

This summer was truly amazing, but I don't feel like my work at Brookhill is quite done yet. I feel like God wants me there at least one more summer. I suppose we'll find out.

I thank Jesus Christ our Lord, who has given me the opportunity to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him.
1 Timothy 1:12

incomplete sentences.

Home from camp for 40-ish hours.
Tired.
Appears that life outside of camp does exist after all. Who knew?

Part of me wants to delete this blog. I've made it too personal.
Part of me wants to delete large chunks of my facebook for similar reasons.
Probably should do these things.
Too lazy.

2 weeks of camp left.
Bittersweet.

amen.

erasing

"Sometimes I try to erase myself. I imagine a big pink soft soap eraser, and it's going back and forth, back and forth, and it starts down at my toes, back and forth, back and forth, and there they go--poof!--my toes are gone. And then my feet. And then my ankles. But that's the easy part. The hard part is erasing my senses--my eyes, my ears, my my nose, my tongue. And last to go is my brain. My thoughts, memories, all the voices inside my head. That's the hardest, erasing my thoughts. And then, if I've done a good job, I'm erased. I'm gone. I'm nothing. And then the world is free to flow into me like water into an empty bowl."

"And...I see. I hear. But not with eyes and ears. I'm not outside my world anymore, and I'm not really inside it either. The thing is, there's no difference anymore between me and the universe. The boundary is gone. I am it and it is me."

-Jerry Spinelli, Stargirl

I read this book when I was 13 years old.
Nearly seven years later, I find myself pulling out that giant pink eraser, and I let it remove every inch of me, until nothing of myself remains.

Sigh.

I wish I would stop wasting my mornings by sleeping in.

these days

What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What's it to anyone?
Who are we supposed to be?
Make me a storybook
Write me away from here
I need a different now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow a smile
I'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...Once upon these days

There's four roads to anywhere
Four ways to everything
We were unbreakable
We spoke our destiny
Let's take a moment out
Go were we never go
Let's make a new world now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...Once upon these days

Then one day we'll find
when we're looking back at this time
Wondering how we've come so far from this
When we close our eyes

What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What are we doing here?
Who are we supposed to be?
I'll take a better world
I'll take anything
I'll take our little world now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...Once upon these days

-Chantal Kreviazuk

the sky is calling

"You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down."

-Nickel Creek, When You Come Back Down

Maybe I just have nerdy roots of an old yearbook editor,
maybe I'm just a sucker for emotional stuff,
or maybe I'm just too obsessed with Nickel Creek,
but I think this would make the perfect Senior Salute.

This time last year I was (understandably) all about those touchy growing up/moving on/memories/graduation-y songs. I can't belive it's almost been a year. Now when I hear a song or poem or whatever that I associate with this common theme of leaving home, I wonder...am I living out that "dream?" I mean, I went from a typical small southern town to a typical medium-sized southern town. I mean, all I did was transfer from one phase of life to another.
Next time someone from home asks me how I'm doing, or how things are going, I think I'll reply, "Oh, you know...just soaring through the air."

If I were a middle schooler...

• I would not have three presentations and two papers due tomorrow.
• I could study for my tests an hour before I took them.
• I would be 40 pounds lighter.
• I would most likely look cute and fashionable every day.
• I would most likely be asleep by now.
• I could "go out" with boys who I knew nothing about--so long as there was mutual physical attraction.
• I would be eating edible, nutritious dinners.
• Assignments for my Intro to Education classes would be pointless.

^ (Oh wait. They already are.)

I fear I need more female influence in my life.

The way I see it, there are 4 major groups of female in my life:
1. The girls who look to me as a mentor
2. The girls who are my friends, and are great for girl talks, and yes do have a positive influence on my life, but are still too close to my age and my level of experience to look to as a mentor.
3. The girls/women who are slightly older and wiser from which to seek advice.
4. The women who are much older and wiser from which to seek advice, but for that reason I hesitate to be mentored too deeply.

When I was in junior high and high school, the majority of the peope I spent time with were boys. Not because I'm a flirt, or because being around boys made me feel good about myself...because when I was younger, I felt that boys were an accepting safehaven from girls who might judge or misunderstand me. Or, more often, because I was too judmental and misunderstanding of girls who were mean and annoying. Guys didn't care one way or the other. And so therefore, I was always "that girl"...either considered as "she's ours, keep away," or "she's just one of the guys," or perhaps a conbination of the two. Sadly to say, excluding my sister and my few closest female friends in high school, I didn't really start connecting with girls until I started working at Brookhill. To this day, my girlfriends from camp are right beneath my childhood best friend on the level of BFF. Then, I came to college, and experienced similar connections with females. It was a whole new world for me!

However, lately I've realized that it's hard to keep a healthy balance between guy friends and girl friends. Ironically, the person I turn to when I really need to talk is a guy. This is usually just fine, until the things I need to talk about are matters that don't normally pertain to guys. The other day, one of my (female) friends pointed out that 80% of the time I mention "my friend from high school" or "my friend from camp," I'm talking about a guy. The people I visit are guys. The people who visit me are guys. The people I stay in touch with are guys. Last night I watched Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze in a masculine garage apartment with about 8 masculine guys doing masculine things and having masculine conversations on masculine furnature. Being the only estrogen-producing being in the room didn't bother me, but it's yet another thing that makes me question my normality...

I'm not particularly girly, but I am by no means a "tough girl." I have no interest in cars, sports, pain, etc. I'm not the hot tomboy who wears baseball caps, bets on NFL games, changes oil, and spits. No, in fact, I dream about my future husband riding up on a stallion and galloping off into the sunset with him in a poofy medeval dress (ok, maybe not quite that lame...but something close to it.) Why, then, do I attract and seek to attrack more males than females as friends?

All this to say, I am embarassingly infatuated with the same boy I've been embarassingly infatuated with for far too long, and I'm about to call an X chromosome and gab to her about my annoyingly feminine desires.

Thank You for Everything.

"For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti"--Sufjan Stevens

I've have called you children
I have called you son.
What is there to answer
If I'm the only one?
Morning comes in Paradise,
Morning comes in light.
Still I must obey,
Still I must invite.

If there's anything to say
If there's anything to do
I there's any other way
I'd do anything for you.

I was dressed in embarassment,
I was dressed in white.
If you had a part of me
Will you take your time?
Even if I come back
Even if I die,
Is there some idea
To replace my life?

Like a father to impress
Like a mother's mourning dress
If you ever make a mess
I'll do anything for you

I have called you preacher,
I have called you son.
If you have a father,
Or if you haven't one
I'll do anything for you.
I'll do anything for you.
I'll do anything for you.
I'll do anything for you.

I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.

hopelessly human

Sometimes I think about how grossly human I am, and it kind of bums me out. It's hard to accept that no matter how hard I try (or don't try), I'm always going have selfish motives, and I'm never going to be completely Christlike. Yes, my imperfection is discouraging...but I quickly get over it. Nonetheless, I've realized lots of things I need to be working on in my life for the time being:

1. Service/Attitude
James 2 says that faith without works is dead. Yesterday, I really started thinking about this, and asked God for opportunities to do "good deeds." To be a servant, to benefit to the community. My conversation with God went a little something like this...
God: "Age to Age. CARE. Tutoring. Circuit Riders. Service at Wesley. Service around campus. Service at home."
Me: "AKA, all the stuff I'm already doing. So I'm good to go, right?"
God: "Wrong. You don't think of these as ways to serve. You think of them as things you have to do. Tell me the last time you walked in to Age to Age with excitement to see the kids, and not the thoughts of 'crap, it's time for Age to Age.' Do you visit the nursing home so the sweet old ladies will make you feel good about yourself, or do you go to bring them the joy of the Lord? When you sing and speak on Sundays, are you praying for and bring life to what may be nearly-dead churches, or are you simply wondering what kind of chicken will be at the potluck? When you vaccuum floors, wash dishes, set up chairs, I know you're joyful, but do you think of it as service to others? Are you sharing my love to the people in your classes, in the cafeteria, in your dorm? I've given you countless opportunities to serve. Just take the initiative."
Me: "Fine. You win."

2. Patience
I'm a pretty easy-going, easy-to-please, friendly and tolerant kind of gal. But let's face it. It all comes back to that humanity thing...some people just annoy me. It really doesn't happen often...very rarely am I irritated. But when I get annoyed, I don't act like Jesus. I act like Junior High Georgia. And if you didn't know me then...be thankful. I was a jerk.

3. Wisdom
Why wisdom? Because it's almost 1:00 in the morning, and I have a class at 8:00 in the morning. Staying up this late doesn't bother me if I'm doing something productive. But I'm not. James 1 says (have you noticed that I really like James? It's my favorite book. I think that James and I would be good friends were he not dead.) that God will grant wisdom to those who ask. Here's a conversation I'm having with God right now:
Me: "God, I'm a fool, and I need your wisdom."
God: "Go to bed, fool."
Me: "Yes, sir."

"Smile and be thankful, you're a Senior Counselor!"

That's what I've been telling myself since I got hired on Tuesday. With an overwhelming amount of tests and projects and everything else life has thrown at me this week, the thought of having my own cabin has been a prime motivator. Thankfully, I took my last test today. I feel more confident than I thought I would, but I'm not expecting more than a C. I'm not expecting more than a C in this class, because with only 2 tests left, I don't even know if anything higher is possible at this point.

Last night I started flipping out at the thought of losing my scholarship. I guess I never really thought it would or could happen, like I was too smart or something. Well, for Midterms I had all As and a C, telling me that even if I have all As in my other classes, since I'm only taking 15 hours, I can't drop a class. This makes me nervous, because I study like crazy for that class. And then my Mom called me and told me some crazy stuff that's going on at home with her job, of which I don't even really know about, because for some reason she feels like it's best she doesn't tell me. And then I got a major headache that was so painful that I finally just had to quit studying and go to sleep, hoping that I would wake up in time to cram info into my mind in the morning...

but, then it hit me once again..."Georgia. Smile and be thankful. You're a Senior Counselor!"
Insert giddy grin and leg kick here.

Thank you, God, for Spring Break.
Thank you for my potential passing grade on my World Civ II test. (Hint hint.)
Thank you for my Mom.
Thank you for my scholarship.
Thank you for the Bay cabin, all the lovely girls who will reside in it this summer, and the man who decided that I was good enough to lead it. :)

Praise the LORD!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, like I can study now.

:D

Mizzou-Rah

This weekend, my two "home" friends and I drove a total of 14-hours to visit our friend Katie at the University of Missouri.

Perks of My Weekend:

• I got to catch up, laugh about high school nothings, and jam to Taylor Swift/Hannah Montana with Jordan and Lauren.
• I learned how scary/amazing Highway 7 is. Little Switzerland+Dog Patch+"Grand Canyons"+Hillbillies=never-dull moments.
• I paid $3.00 for a 5-hour energy shot that apparently made me see things, such as the Virigin Mary in a Canoe on the side of the highway. I SWEAR it was there, and I'm going to prove it next time we drive up there.
• I got to see my best friend for the first time in 3 months and meet her amazing friends.
• Two words: Waffle House.
• I got to experience life as a sorrority girl (to a partial extent.)
• I understood why my friend choose MU.
• I crashed Katie's formal by having a killer migrane. I don't think she minded leaving, but I felt really bad about it.
• I compared my best friend's college experience to my own, and found that they appear on two opposite ends of the spectrum. And I'm ok with that. I'm glad we're both happy in our on worlds, no matter how different they are.

Also, apparently, these things makes me cry:

• Migrane headaches
• Hugging friends goodbye
• "The Best Day" by Taylor Swift.

Yep, I'm pretty sure that's enough waterworks for a while.

Oh, the Children

I went exactly one month with out writing in this thing.
I've been so busy lately that I've hardley had time for any internet shinanigins. I've also been writing more in my actual, tangible prayer journal, so I guess I just kind of left this alone.
In summary, Kyle, if you're reading this, thanks for the inspiration to start writing again!

Middle Schoolers are composing 3/4 of my life as of now:
-Age to Age for 3-4 hours on Monday, and a recent Age to Age trip to Springdale
-Observing 4-6 hours/week in an 8th grade Social Studies classroom
-Tutoring (reading recovery) once a week in a 5th grade classroom
-3+ hours/week of Intro to Education class

Some of this I love, some of this I despise.
If I hear or read "Integrative curriculum" or "cognitive development" one more time, I may be very temped to hike Mt. Nebo and hurl myself off its highest peak.

Speaking of kids...I'm in the interview-ish process of my potential summer job. Again. (I told Camp War Eagle I'm not coming...eliminating all safety nets.)
I'll find out sometime this month. God is really testing my patience. I'm so ready to just KNOW.

Because of all the above info, I seriously had to stop myself today and question, "Whoa? When did I start liking kids so much?" This time a few years ago, I would have said, "No way, Jose."
Then again, this time a few years ago, I guess I was a kid.
I suppose that changes things a bit.

this present darkness

The battle is raging,
the devil is raging.
I don't want to be sleeping
while the battle is raging.

For I don't fight as one who beats the air;
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear.
I put on Christ,
Make no provision for my flesh
Put on the whole armour of God
Leave no open door to darkness.
And I take the scroll, I eat the scroll
I open up my mouth and speak forth Your Word
I take the Sword of the Spirit

Blessed be the Lord my Rock
Who trains my hands for battle
Who trains my hands for war!
-Laura Hackett

A final word: be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against the mighty powers of this present darkness, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle, you will be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's rightousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith, which extinguishes the fiery arrows of the evil one. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and at every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.
Ephesians 6:10-18

Wow.
I think I finally woke up...
So this is what it means to be a prayer warrior.
And this is war.

a doggone night

Please tell me why it takes me 2+ hours to write the same philosophy paper for my Education class that takes my friend Fred an hour and a half to write, and my friend Anna 30- minutes.
And I thought I got it done super-speedy. Two hours is a grand record for me.
Sigh. In the wide words of my father, "Oil Well."

Tonight, I went to see "Hotel for Dogs" with the 11-year-old I mentor.
It was surprisingly less horrible than I thought it would be.
Plus, one of the main dogs was named Georgia. This pretty much made my night.
And Taylor didn't even beat me up tonight. She only kicked me a few times!
What a good night.

I am spending 2/3 of my weekend at home, and I am estatic! I didn't get to spend time with a lot of my friends over Christmas break, so I can't wait to hang out with the boys on Saturday. (I have no female friends in England. Sad, I know.)

I may as well mention that tomorrow is February 4th. I am not necessarily fond of February 4th. And no matter how much I'd like to deny the fact, it's on my mind.

Now off to study for Biology...alright!

Zap!

After going for a walk in the beautiful afternoon, and eating dinner with my friends, my stress was gone, and I was able to successfully call myself a nerd and spend my Saturday night studying at Hastings.

Superbowl night is fun with guys living above and below me. Or should I say, Superbowl night is loud with guys living above and below me. I left our Superbowl party about 30 mintutes after the game started. What can I say. I'm not an NFL person. Plus, I still have tons of studying to do tonight. But this video makes it all ok...

i will not stress. i will not stress.

I need to either run or throw up or cry right now.
I woke up at noon, and I've been "studying" since then, but I seem to have gotten nothing accomplished.
I have so many tests and presentations and projects due next week, and just thinking about how unprepared I am makes me feel sick.

I refuse to make myself vomit,
and apparently, my eyes only allow tears to fall from them once every eigtht months.
Looks like I'm headed to Thone Field.

Dear Dr. Brown,
Please tell me why I watched three people slip and fall on the sidewalks today, and yet we still had class.

Please tell me why the majority of our professors live out of town, and yet we still had class.

Please tell me why schools south of us, such as UA Morrilton and UALR recieved less ice than our area, and yet we still had class.

Please tell me why RUSSELLVILLE School District was closed today, and yet we still had class.

Please tell me why we still had class for the past two days, and yet you have not been here.

What does it take, man??

Dear residents of the third floor,
Seriously, is it that hard to clean the lent tray from the dryers?

what a hora-bile day!

Badminton is easily my new favorite sport.

Today, I learned how to dance the Hora, a traditional Jewish dance originating from Isreal.
I'm not going to lie...it's intense.
I bet Jesus danced the Hora...
I bet he looked a lot better than 20 breathless college students trying to stay connected at the shoulder for 3 long minutes, though. Haha.

Needless to say, after the intense workouts of the gym, the badmiton court, and the dance floor since 6:30 am, I slept from 1:30 to 4:00.
Was it worth it to miss the great weather? Quite possibly.
However, now I have tons to homework to catch up on...

My bible study group is reading through the book of Revelation, which is really cool, because I attended a conference on the End Times last month. I could write a whole entry on my views of this, and perhaps I will soon. But for now, I have to read the entire text of "This We Believe: Successful Schools for Young Adolescents." It's been making me laugh a lot, so far. I'll share a tidbit with you...
"A successful shcool for young adolescents is...a joyful community that promotes in-depth learning and ehances students' physical and emotional well being."
Can you find the oxymoron in this sentence?

a biography of automotives?

I have become insecure in my writing.

I spent 4 hours writing an autobiography today.

I'm not pleased with it.

Not because I'm not pleased with my life story, but because I had no guidelines,

and because I can't fit my life story on five pages double-spaced.

Blah blah blah. My professor will probably be satisfied with it, but I am not.



On another note, the Delta Zetas and trying to recruit me again.

What can I say? I'm a legacy. They want me.

I'm going to some shopping event at Maurices

a.) To please my roommate and

b.) To get a special DZ discount on clothing.



And when I get back, at who knows when, I still have to read/study/do homework.

Woo-hoo!

lifeless questions

Here's what I want to know:
Is it possible to talk to dead people?
Not their physical carcases--that's downright freakish.
But kind of like a prayer, but to a person who's passed on rather than to God?
Because I do that occasionally.
I guess the better question would be,
do dead people listen to us?
Are they really "watching over us,"
or are they so engulfed in the splendor of being in the direct presence of God that they don't even care?
Can God pass messages to them, or hand them the phone, and say, "It's for you!"?
Can they hear what's going on in my head?
Do they see me? Do they even remember I exist? Does anything else really matter when you're praising God for all enternity?
Do these conversations that I occasionally have with the deceased really happen,
or am I just a mental case talking to myself?

Maybe I'll ask Haley Joel Osment.
I bet he could help me out.

and sorry I could not travel both

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken"

In other words,
real life is NOT like Hannah Montana;
you CANNOT get the best of both worlds.

library ramblings

I found the difference between finals week and the beginning of a semester...
When I left here in December, the library was like a can of sardines.
Tonight, I'm one of three people on the 2nd floor of the library.
Why am I here?
Because the wireless internet in my door is being lame.
And if I go a day without checking my facebook, I go crazy.
Wow. I am such a 21st Century American.

Fitness is a good high,
but it also makes me hungry.

American Idol is lame,
but free pizza is worth it.

I cannot carry a tune,
but I am joining a traveling singing group.

I don't plan to take the job at Camp War Eagle,
but I have yet to tell them this.

I plan to take a job at Brookhill,
but I am yet to be hired,
or even mail in the application.

I am trusting God's plans,
but he is yet to show me a flashing Vegas arrow.

Back to School

I didn't realize how ready I was to return to Tech until I got here yesterday.

For example, I didn't realize how much I love my roommate until we talked and laughed nonstop to catch up while watching "Mamma Mia!" and singing/dancing with Meryl Streep. Jaclyn and I have close to nothing in common, and for the last bit of the fall semester, we rarely even communicated. And yet, we're a good match for roomies. We have a class together this semester, and made the mistake of sitting beside one another. Mwahahah. I'm going to miss her next year.

Also, I didn't remember how amazing my friends here are until a hoard of us went to IHOP last night and laughed about dreaded classes, dead frogs, tetnus shots, bad 80s movies, and other topics worthy of conversation over mounds of breakfast food.

I also wasn't aware of how much I would LOVE my new schedule. I now start my days bright and early, and end them before/by noon. Introduction to Education is going to be really challenging, but I'm excited. Ditto Biology, minus the "I'm excited" part. Speech will be fun, but...awkward. Weird people, weird professor...what can I say. I guess I fit right in.

My Brookhill application came in the mail today. Senior Counselor application, might I add. Intimidating, yet exciting.

Tomorrow= Badminton, World Civ II, and SQUARE DANCING!

"The Call"

I'm currently obsessed with this song by Regina Skeptor. It was written for the movie Prince Caspian, and although it doesn't really apply to any area of my life right now, it has, and it will, and either way, it's downright beautiful.

It started out as a feeling
which then grew into a hope,
which then turned into a quiet thought,
which then turned into a quiet word.
And then that word grew louder and louder
until it was a battle cry-
I'll come back when you call me;
no need to say goodbye.

Just because everything's changing
doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
as you head off to the war.
Pick a star on the dark horizon
and follow the light...
You'll come back when it's over;
no need to say goodbye.

Now we're back to the beginning-
it's just a feeling and no one knows yet.
But just because they can't feel it too
doesn't mean that you have to forget.
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
until they're before your eyes.
You'll come back when they call you;
no need to say goodbye.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWr0Z6VJL4I

*EDIT*
Reading over the lyrics, this song sounds pretty lame.
Maybe I'm just a sucker for that kind of stuff.
Or maybe Regina Skeptor's voice mixed with amazing instrumental skills can make anything sound beautiful.
Gay or not. It's still on repeat.

I wish I had siblings that still lived at home.

Cleche New Year's Post

"So this is the new year...and I don't feel any different." -Deathcab for Cutie

For the first New Year in my life, I don't feel like these words apply to me at all. In fact, I feel extremely different. When I think about how and where I started the year 2008, and how and where I ended it...it doesn't even compare.

This time last year, I was wrapped too tightly around I guy that I knew wasn't right for me. And yet, no matter how much pain, stress, and drama the two of us inflicted upon each other, I didn't want to let it go. Not necessarily for fear of losing him, but for fear of change. It wasn't until this summer that I fully realized that change was exactly what I needed.

I'm not as naieve as I was this time a year ago. I'm not as tense, I'm not as easily stressed, and I'm not as easily shaken. I am more optimistic, more loving, more open-minded, and more joyful.

The majority of these changed can be fully accredited to the absense of High School. Of course I've changed since I've started college. If I hadn't have changed, then something would be seriously wrong. But the majority of these changes have taken place beause I have allowed them to, and because I have sought after them. For the first time that I can remember, I can proudly say that I am closer to God than I was the previous year, or even the previous day. I can proudly say that I am growing and deepening in my relationship with him, and that I am trying my hardest to share his love with others. Praise God for taken broken pieces and creating beauty from the ashes! Praise God that He moves from glory to glory, and that He makes all things new! I hope to read this a year from now and be able to say that I have changed and grown even more.

Farewell, 2008. Thank you for getting me out of high school, and out of England.

Welcome, 2009. Let's be friends.