messy

i came inches from death on a train track today,
all because of my own carelessness.

i am inconsistent,
and i change my mind "like a girl changes clothes."

i only pay attention in classes i like,
and i don't like many of my classes.

i try to be everything to everyone,
and it kills me when i can't.

i think a lot about the past,
and don't allow myself to think about the future.

i hear my friends talk about their desires for serious relationships,
and i make no effort to search for my own "prince charming."

i work myself to death,
but i don't stress.

i feel emotion,
but i don't cry.

my biggest fear is losing my scholarship,
yet part of me yearns to drop out of school and travel the country in a VW van.

half of me can't wait to submit, cook, clean, and have babies.
the other half of me is a strong, independent feminist.

i have beliefs that are more conservative,
and i have beliefs that clash with my Southern, Baptist background.

all my life, i've been labelled "the good girl,"
and some days, i just want to let loose.

sometimes, i go to church to worship.
sometimes, i "go through the motions."


and, worst of all,
i feel guilty about every one of these facts.
guilt. falling short of perfection.
i don't know why, but it eats me up.
quite frankly, i'm a mess.

i'm sick of the church's categories of "good sin" and "bad sin."
i've never committed a felony. i've never done drugs. i've never even had sex.
my downfall? obsessive and constant guilt.
i've had enough of these lies whispered in my ear. They will not confine me, oh no.

All my silly guilt and shame--You can have it.

There is no sweeter feeling than the breath of freedom.