I guess this is growing up.

I hesitate to begin this entry for several reasons:
1.) It is a Friday night, and I should be out having fun like normal college students
2.) No one really read this blog
3.) I have no idea where to even begin updating my life.

Yet I justify each reason:
1.) Who cares. This is bliss.
2.) I need to write, no matter if anyone reads it.
3.) I'll figure it out.

And so I come back to the blogging world. Why? It is therapudic. And although I keep a journal, it only contains fragmented thoughts and prayers. Because I'm busy (/lazy).

It is November. Since last spring, my life has been a whirlwind of change. Good change. It's slightly scary, but more so exciting.

I have a boyfriend. It's true. This is my first official relationship. Ever. Therefore, I have no idea what I'm doing. And yet, I feel pretty prepared. Don't get me wrong--it is definitely a learning experience, and I am by no means experienced in this area. At the same time, though, I feel as if God used my 21 years of singleness to prepare me for this. Advice and wisdom from others has helped, too...and honestly, I feel that everything I know about life was learned from working on Brookhill Staff, relationships included. Having a boyfriend/being a girlfriend is awesome, and Roger possesses every quality (and then some) that I've ever wanted in a guy. And yet, being in a relationship is so different--and even harder--than I thought. I'm not all my own, anymore. Honestly, it's difficult to find the appropriate balance of spending time with my boyfriend, my friends, and my Savior. But that's all part of the growing experience, and I know and trust that God is using this season in my life to stretch me in so many ways.

I am a second-semester 7th grader. No, I'm not really a 13-year-old again: my professor refers to her MLED students in middle-school terms. Intro students are "6th graders", Stage II students are "7th graders", and Seniors and Interns are "8th graders." Everyone has warned me that 7th grade is the toughest, and that this semester is the hardest in the MLED program. They were not lying. It's been a rough semester, but I'm almost done with it! Yesterday, I taught my first official lesson to four periods of 5th graders. Not only was it my first lesson--it was also my first Video Teach. This means that my professor and I get to watch the recording and critique my teaching abilities together! How fun! Not. I watched the first several seconds and realized one thing: I teach school like I teach camp activities. I'm still trying to figure out if my overwhelming enthusiasm is a good thing or not. It's not fake ethusiasm. I just get really excited about metaphors and similes.

I only have 2 semesters of classes left. Ever. Insert quarter-life crisis here. This semester I've felt very burnt-out in my major. I have frequent doubts about teaching. Is this really what I want? Should I have pursued a different degree? What will I do after graduation? Will I ever actually pursue the dreams I have about teaching overseas or writing novels? Are they even realistic dreams? Will I simply be teaching in the Arkansas public school system for the rest of my life, and if so, will I be satisfied with that? Will I even make a difference in the lives of my students? Will they stand on their desks at the end of the year and salute me as "O Captain, My Captain?" Or will they think, "Thank goodness I'm done with her class?" My time at Arkansas Tech University will be over before I know it. Am I ready for that yet? Will I be ready in a year? That is not a very long time! Am I ready for a real job? Am I ready for the real world? Can anyone ever really be ready? Will I still be with Roger? And what about his dreams? Where do I fit in? Where does God want me? How will God use me? How will I allow myself to be used by Him? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

And though I am curious, I am not worried.
God has me in His hands.
His strong, yet gentle hands.
His timing is PERFECT.
He hasn't failed me yet.
He never will.
He knows the plans He has for me.
Plans to prosper me, not to destruct me.
Plans to give me a hope and a future.

He has great things in store for me.
And He has great things in store for you, too.

---
Now it's time for the hermit to leave her room.
It's International Student movie night.
And my friend Leslie picks out really bad movies.
I must make it to Hastings before she checks out.
The fate of our Friday Night is in my hands.
Goodnight.