incomplete sentences.

Home from camp for 40-ish hours.
Tired.
Appears that life outside of camp does exist after all. Who knew?

Part of me wants to delete this blog. I've made it too personal.
Part of me wants to delete large chunks of my facebook for similar reasons.
Probably should do these things.
Too lazy.

2 weeks of camp left.
Bittersweet.

amen.

erasing

"Sometimes I try to erase myself. I imagine a big pink soft soap eraser, and it's going back and forth, back and forth, and it starts down at my toes, back and forth, back and forth, and there they go--poof!--my toes are gone. And then my feet. And then my ankles. But that's the easy part. The hard part is erasing my senses--my eyes, my ears, my my nose, my tongue. And last to go is my brain. My thoughts, memories, all the voices inside my head. That's the hardest, erasing my thoughts. And then, if I've done a good job, I'm erased. I'm gone. I'm nothing. And then the world is free to flow into me like water into an empty bowl."

"And...I see. I hear. But not with eyes and ears. I'm not outside my world anymore, and I'm not really inside it either. The thing is, there's no difference anymore between me and the universe. The boundary is gone. I am it and it is me."

-Jerry Spinelli, Stargirl

I read this book when I was 13 years old.
Nearly seven years later, I find myself pulling out that giant pink eraser, and I let it remove every inch of me, until nothing of myself remains.

Sigh.

I wish I would stop wasting my mornings by sleeping in.

these days

What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What's it to anyone?
Who are we supposed to be?
Make me a storybook
Write me away from here
I need a different now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow a smile
I'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...Once upon these days

There's four roads to anywhere
Four ways to everything
We were unbreakable
We spoke our destiny
Let's take a moment out
Go were we never go
Let's make a new world now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...Once upon these days

Then one day we'll find
when we're looking back at this time
Wondering how we've come so far from this
When we close our eyes

What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What are we doing here?
Who are we supposed to be?
I'll take a better world
I'll take anything
I'll take our little world now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...Once upon these days

-Chantal Kreviazuk

the sky is calling

"You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down."

-Nickel Creek, When You Come Back Down

Maybe I just have nerdy roots of an old yearbook editor,
maybe I'm just a sucker for emotional stuff,
or maybe I'm just too obsessed with Nickel Creek,
but I think this would make the perfect Senior Salute.

This time last year I was (understandably) all about those touchy growing up/moving on/memories/graduation-y songs. I can't belive it's almost been a year. Now when I hear a song or poem or whatever that I associate with this common theme of leaving home, I wonder...am I living out that "dream?" I mean, I went from a typical small southern town to a typical medium-sized southern town. I mean, all I did was transfer from one phase of life to another.
Next time someone from home asks me how I'm doing, or how things are going, I think I'll reply, "Oh, you know...just soaring through the air."

If I were a middle schooler...

• I would not have three presentations and two papers due tomorrow.
• I could study for my tests an hour before I took them.
• I would be 40 pounds lighter.
• I would most likely look cute and fashionable every day.
• I would most likely be asleep by now.
• I could "go out" with boys who I knew nothing about--so long as there was mutual physical attraction.
• I would be eating edible, nutritious dinners.
• Assignments for my Intro to Education classes would be pointless.

^ (Oh wait. They already are.)

I fear I need more female influence in my life.

The way I see it, there are 4 major groups of female in my life:
1. The girls who look to me as a mentor
2. The girls who are my friends, and are great for girl talks, and yes do have a positive influence on my life, but are still too close to my age and my level of experience to look to as a mentor.
3. The girls/women who are slightly older and wiser from which to seek advice.
4. The women who are much older and wiser from which to seek advice, but for that reason I hesitate to be mentored too deeply.

When I was in junior high and high school, the majority of the peope I spent time with were boys. Not because I'm a flirt, or because being around boys made me feel good about myself...because when I was younger, I felt that boys were an accepting safehaven from girls who might judge or misunderstand me. Or, more often, because I was too judmental and misunderstanding of girls who were mean and annoying. Guys didn't care one way or the other. And so therefore, I was always "that girl"...either considered as "she's ours, keep away," or "she's just one of the guys," or perhaps a conbination of the two. Sadly to say, excluding my sister and my few closest female friends in high school, I didn't really start connecting with girls until I started working at Brookhill. To this day, my girlfriends from camp are right beneath my childhood best friend on the level of BFF. Then, I came to college, and experienced similar connections with females. It was a whole new world for me!

However, lately I've realized that it's hard to keep a healthy balance between guy friends and girl friends. Ironically, the person I turn to when I really need to talk is a guy. This is usually just fine, until the things I need to talk about are matters that don't normally pertain to guys. The other day, one of my (female) friends pointed out that 80% of the time I mention "my friend from high school" or "my friend from camp," I'm talking about a guy. The people I visit are guys. The people who visit me are guys. The people I stay in touch with are guys. Last night I watched Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze in a masculine garage apartment with about 8 masculine guys doing masculine things and having masculine conversations on masculine furnature. Being the only estrogen-producing being in the room didn't bother me, but it's yet another thing that makes me question my normality...

I'm not particularly girly, but I am by no means a "tough girl." I have no interest in cars, sports, pain, etc. I'm not the hot tomboy who wears baseball caps, bets on NFL games, changes oil, and spits. No, in fact, I dream about my future husband riding up on a stallion and galloping off into the sunset with him in a poofy medeval dress (ok, maybe not quite that lame...but something close to it.) Why, then, do I attract and seek to attrack more males than females as friends?

All this to say, I am embarassingly infatuated with the same boy I've been embarassingly infatuated with for far too long, and I'm about to call an X chromosome and gab to her about my annoyingly feminine desires.