the sky is calling

"You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down."

-Nickel Creek, When You Come Back Down

Maybe I just have nerdy roots of an old yearbook editor,
maybe I'm just a sucker for emotional stuff,
or maybe I'm just too obsessed with Nickel Creek,
but I think this would make the perfect Senior Salute.

This time last year I was (understandably) all about those touchy growing up/moving on/memories/graduation-y songs. I can't belive it's almost been a year. Now when I hear a song or poem or whatever that I associate with this common theme of leaving home, I wonder...am I living out that "dream?" I mean, I went from a typical small southern town to a typical medium-sized southern town. I mean, all I did was transfer from one phase of life to another.
Next time someone from home asks me how I'm doing, or how things are going, I think I'll reply, "Oh, you know...just soaring through the air."

If I were a middle schooler...

• I would not have three presentations and two papers due tomorrow.
• I could study for my tests an hour before I took them.
• I would be 40 pounds lighter.
• I would most likely look cute and fashionable every day.
• I would most likely be asleep by now.
• I could "go out" with boys who I knew nothing about--so long as there was mutual physical attraction.
• I would be eating edible, nutritious dinners.
• Assignments for my Intro to Education classes would be pointless.

^ (Oh wait. They already are.)

I fear I need more female influence in my life.

The way I see it, there are 4 major groups of female in my life:
1. The girls who look to me as a mentor
2. The girls who are my friends, and are great for girl talks, and yes do have a positive influence on my life, but are still too close to my age and my level of experience to look to as a mentor.
3. The girls/women who are slightly older and wiser from which to seek advice.
4. The women who are much older and wiser from which to seek advice, but for that reason I hesitate to be mentored too deeply.

When I was in junior high and high school, the majority of the peope I spent time with were boys. Not because I'm a flirt, or because being around boys made me feel good about myself...because when I was younger, I felt that boys were an accepting safehaven from girls who might judge or misunderstand me. Or, more often, because I was too judmental and misunderstanding of girls who were mean and annoying. Guys didn't care one way or the other. And so therefore, I was always "that girl"...either considered as "she's ours, keep away," or "she's just one of the guys," or perhaps a conbination of the two. Sadly to say, excluding my sister and my few closest female friends in high school, I didn't really start connecting with girls until I started working at Brookhill. To this day, my girlfriends from camp are right beneath my childhood best friend on the level of BFF. Then, I came to college, and experienced similar connections with females. It was a whole new world for me!

However, lately I've realized that it's hard to keep a healthy balance between guy friends and girl friends. Ironically, the person I turn to when I really need to talk is a guy. This is usually just fine, until the things I need to talk about are matters that don't normally pertain to guys. The other day, one of my (female) friends pointed out that 80% of the time I mention "my friend from high school" or "my friend from camp," I'm talking about a guy. The people I visit are guys. The people who visit me are guys. The people I stay in touch with are guys. Last night I watched Ninja Turtles: Secret of the Ooze in a masculine garage apartment with about 8 masculine guys doing masculine things and having masculine conversations on masculine furnature. Being the only estrogen-producing being in the room didn't bother me, but it's yet another thing that makes me question my normality...

I'm not particularly girly, but I am by no means a "tough girl." I have no interest in cars, sports, pain, etc. I'm not the hot tomboy who wears baseball caps, bets on NFL games, changes oil, and spits. No, in fact, I dream about my future husband riding up on a stallion and galloping off into the sunset with him in a poofy medeval dress (ok, maybe not quite that lame...but something close to it.) Why, then, do I attract and seek to attrack more males than females as friends?

All this to say, I am embarassingly infatuated with the same boy I've been embarassingly infatuated with for far too long, and I'm about to call an X chromosome and gab to her about my annoyingly feminine desires.

Thank You for Everything.

"For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti"--Sufjan Stevens

I've have called you children
I have called you son.
What is there to answer
If I'm the only one?
Morning comes in Paradise,
Morning comes in light.
Still I must obey,
Still I must invite.

If there's anything to say
If there's anything to do
I there's any other way
I'd do anything for you.

I was dressed in embarassment,
I was dressed in white.
If you had a part of me
Will you take your time?
Even if I come back
Even if I die,
Is there some idea
To replace my life?

Like a father to impress
Like a mother's mourning dress
If you ever make a mess
I'll do anything for you

I have called you preacher,
I have called you son.
If you have a father,
Or if you haven't one
I'll do anything for you.
I'll do anything for you.
I'll do anything for you.
I'll do anything for you.

I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.
I did everything for you.

hopelessly human

Sometimes I think about how grossly human I am, and it kind of bums me out. It's hard to accept that no matter how hard I try (or don't try), I'm always going have selfish motives, and I'm never going to be completely Christlike. Yes, my imperfection is discouraging...but I quickly get over it. Nonetheless, I've realized lots of things I need to be working on in my life for the time being:

1. Service/Attitude
James 2 says that faith without works is dead. Yesterday, I really started thinking about this, and asked God for opportunities to do "good deeds." To be a servant, to benefit to the community. My conversation with God went a little something like this...
God: "Age to Age. CARE. Tutoring. Circuit Riders. Service at Wesley. Service around campus. Service at home."
Me: "AKA, all the stuff I'm already doing. So I'm good to go, right?"
God: "Wrong. You don't think of these as ways to serve. You think of them as things you have to do. Tell me the last time you walked in to Age to Age with excitement to see the kids, and not the thoughts of 'crap, it's time for Age to Age.' Do you visit the nursing home so the sweet old ladies will make you feel good about yourself, or do you go to bring them the joy of the Lord? When you sing and speak on Sundays, are you praying for and bring life to what may be nearly-dead churches, or are you simply wondering what kind of chicken will be at the potluck? When you vaccuum floors, wash dishes, set up chairs, I know you're joyful, but do you think of it as service to others? Are you sharing my love to the people in your classes, in the cafeteria, in your dorm? I've given you countless opportunities to serve. Just take the initiative."
Me: "Fine. You win."

2. Patience
I'm a pretty easy-going, easy-to-please, friendly and tolerant kind of gal. But let's face it. It all comes back to that humanity thing...some people just annoy me. It really doesn't happen often...very rarely am I irritated. But when I get annoyed, I don't act like Jesus. I act like Junior High Georgia. And if you didn't know me then...be thankful. I was a jerk.

3. Wisdom
Why wisdom? Because it's almost 1:00 in the morning, and I have a class at 8:00 in the morning. Staying up this late doesn't bother me if I'm doing something productive. But I'm not. James 1 says (have you noticed that I really like James? It's my favorite book. I think that James and I would be good friends were he not dead.) that God will grant wisdom to those who ask. Here's a conversation I'm having with God right now:
Me: "God, I'm a fool, and I need your wisdom."
God: "Go to bed, fool."
Me: "Yes, sir."

"Smile and be thankful, you're a Senior Counselor!"

That's what I've been telling myself since I got hired on Tuesday. With an overwhelming amount of tests and projects and everything else life has thrown at me this week, the thought of having my own cabin has been a prime motivator. Thankfully, I took my last test today. I feel more confident than I thought I would, but I'm not expecting more than a C. I'm not expecting more than a C in this class, because with only 2 tests left, I don't even know if anything higher is possible at this point.

Last night I started flipping out at the thought of losing my scholarship. I guess I never really thought it would or could happen, like I was too smart or something. Well, for Midterms I had all As and a C, telling me that even if I have all As in my other classes, since I'm only taking 15 hours, I can't drop a class. This makes me nervous, because I study like crazy for that class. And then my Mom called me and told me some crazy stuff that's going on at home with her job, of which I don't even really know about, because for some reason she feels like it's best she doesn't tell me. And then I got a major headache that was so painful that I finally just had to quit studying and go to sleep, hoping that I would wake up in time to cram info into my mind in the morning...

but, then it hit me once again..."Georgia. Smile and be thankful. You're a Senior Counselor!"
Insert giddy grin and leg kick here.

Thank you, God, for Spring Break.
Thank you for my potential passing grade on my World Civ II test. (Hint hint.)
Thank you for my Mom.
Thank you for my scholarship.
Thank you for the Bay cabin, all the lovely girls who will reside in it this summer, and the man who decided that I was good enough to lead it. :)

Praise the LORD!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, like I can study now.

:D